THE AMBUSHERS: PART 5
So Sheila is rescued and cured and the only side-effect from her ordeal and treatment is that she under the impression that her and Matt are married, because some time in the past they posed as a married couple whilst undercover and that memory has surfaced and become real in her mind. Now, if you think this quirk is going to manifest itself in any significant way or influence the plot even the slightest, then you haven't been paying attention to anything I've said so far so GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY RECAP!
In the next scene, McDonald and Helm watch a boxing match on a cine projector which then turns into a commercial for a Mexican beer. Two Mexican beauties sing a silly jingle and shake their booties because....and Helm recognises the song as something Sheila has heard. I suspect a missing scene because this makes no sense with what we’ve seen up until now. McDonald says the jingle is a reworking of an old marching song used by a bunch of fanatics so Helm joins the dots and figures the head of the Mexican brewery must be mixed up in the flying saucer theft. See? Sherlock Holmes’ maxim perfectly used there: Once you have eliminated the impossible whatever remains, no matter how ludicrously plotted, must be the truth.
So McDonald’s idea is that Helm goes undercover as a photographer to do a photostory on the brewery way down in Acapulco. Oh, and he’s to take Sheila with him as well with her Komedy (tm) quirk of thinking she’s married to Matt. But enough of that silliness because coming up is McDonald’s explanation as to why Sheila must go on the mission and that she’s the only one who can fly the saucer out.
Ladies and gentlemen; I have bought into a number of bogus scientific concepts in movies in my life. I don’t mind Dr. Who’s “reversing the polarity of the neutron flow”, I can just about accept that the beauty was really within and that the drug crystals were a placebo in “Mudd’s Women” and that unlicenced nuclear accellerators can be used to catch ghosts but what McDonald says next is the most ridiculous, the most bullshit, the most brain dead scientific concept ever to grace a movie anywhere...ever.
You see, gentle readers, only a woman can fly the saucer. McDonald’s lab boys ran tests and found that electromagnetic forces kill men. All over the world, roadies for heavy metal bands take their lives into their own hands whenever they step out on stage to plug in a speaker lead and which is why no man can ever have a CAT scan. I’ve heard some stupid explanations in movies but this one tops them all. Throughout this movie, the writers have been working by the premise that women and men are different species which just happen to be biologically compatible when it comes to sex. And how women are able to survive exposure to electromagnetic forces while men can't is never explained: Maybe the saucer runs on sugar and spice and all things nice power? Maybe it’s in sync with a woman’s monthly cycle? That’s it! It runs by the power of menstruation. From now on, I will refer to the saucer as The Menstrual Cycle.
So it’s off to Acapulco; on the plane, Sheila and Matt banter about having a second honeymoon and his quip, “I can’t wait to get you south of the border” would have James Bond groaning in agony. But all is not smooth sailing, because sitting behind them is a man in sunglasses and a Fez, which was standard 1960s uniform for enemy spies. But Matt doesn’t notice him, even when he then follows them to their hotel in a way out looking car that has an aircraft tailfin bolted onto the back. Once checked in, Matt starts eyeing up a woman by the pool and momentarily forgets what a camera is called. He calls over to the hotel manager and asks what her name is. The manager warns Matt that he must stay away from her and have nothing to do with her. Matt asks why and, boom boom, it’s because she’s the manager’s wife. Matt reacts sulkily and mumbles something bad about the manager; damn, marriage is just so inconvienient when you want poon tang on demand.
So Sheila and Matt head to the brewery and Janice Rule is looking quite the MILF in a white hot pant suit and go go boots. They are met by an equally comely secretary who just gushes when she meets Matt, being a fan of his photographic work but not interested in posing for him: I guess there’s a joke buried in there somehow. So a number of businessmen accompanied by two girls dressed in beer mug costumes walk out for absolutely no reason other than to provide more female flesh on screen before we meet Quintana, the brewery chief, played by Kurt Kaznar from “Land of The Giants”: A good actor who mostly appeared in drek over the years.
And with that "Flip Top" picture, I will pause here...
No comments:
Post a Comment