THE AMBUSHERS: PART 3
We cut to an aerial shot of some defence installation in the desert called the Intelligence Counter Espionage Rehabilitation Centre and it’s staffed by largely comely girls aged 17-25 wearing standard miniskirt, hotpants and go go boots uniforms with little white pom pom berets as any self-respecting government agency did back in those days. There are a few male staff in army khaki uniforms but frankly I had to watch the movie twice before I noticed them. A female instuctor tells an assembled bunch of, I presume trainee agents although they may be visiting students from a Swedish finishing school for all I know, about a device that can dissolve metal electonically. And this is one of the technical concepts in the movie that makes more sense than the rest. She points the device at a male mannequin and its nipples fry, the belt buckle melts and its pants fall down. Another device that’s a hoot at parties.
The students move off and as they pass a window, they can hear Dean Martin singing “Everybody Falls In Love Somehow”. See what they did there? A bit of self-mocking. Yeah well get used to it, there’s more to come. Two of them intone, in a way that indicates they weren’t cast for their acting ability, that “lucky Linda ...yes... imagine... working on a....field problem with....him”. Him being our hero, Matt Helm. And sure enough he’s making out with yet another hot 60s babe. Now when Sean Connery does that in a Bond movie it’s sexy, in this movie it’s just plain eeeeeeww. Remember how wrong the lovemaking scenes looked in the last couple of Roger Moore Bond movies? Remember thinking that it was time Rog moved along? Now quadruple that feeling of nausea and that’s what you get here.
There’s a bang and a puff of smoke and Dino keels over, probably through drink, possibly because he’s ‘acting’ but frankly it’s hard to tell. I’m going with ‘drink’ though because his first line is “howdy’e alike zhat? I dinn’t even get to shqueeze zhe trigger”. This sets up the pattern for all of Dino’s dialogue; slurred, but this time he at least remembered what his lines were...which is more than can be said for a lot of other dialogue in the movie. By the way, the gunshot came from the girls’ bra; a new wonder weapon...the .38 D cup and yes, it is the inspiration for Austin Powers’ Fembots although it’s way funnier when you see it here played straighter. They banter and she’s already up for making out with him again (it’s good to see the CIA likes to recruit girls with low self esteem) when he calls a halt and goes to leave the room: Almost colliding with the door and checking himself at the last second. Me drunk, officer?
The girls outside all hear that Matt Helm’s approach is iminent; probably from the sounds of furniture being crashed into whilst saying “I haven’t had a drink, officer, now where are my pants?” but before they can lie prostrate at his feet, a scream is heard and a woman wearing a white straight jacket and white tights comes running out. Who is responsible for the wardrobe in this movie? I don't know whether to kick them or hug them.
It’s our test pilot from the opening scene, Sheila Sommers, although this time her hair and face are as white as her outfit. She babbles that she needs help and a passing doctor of plot exposition helpfully explains that she was found in a jungle with no memory and babbling that all men are out to kill her. Just as well she decided to run to Matt Helm, a man, to ask for help or is this a dig at Matt because she doesn’t see him as a man? In which case, harsh!
Anyway, Helm’s concerned for Sheila as she’s dragged off to the nuthatch again but before he can do anything about it, he’s almost run over by yet another scantily clad agent on a motor scooter. He hops on board and...oh God, he looks to camera just as he’s about to grab on to her breasts. I’m sure that kind of thing was illegal even in the Swinging Sixties!
Helm’s carted off to receive a phone call from his boss, McDonald, who is James Gregory’s character and together he and Dino have a drunken conversation that goes a little like this:
HELM: “Hurungen shumbee don’t need no refresherrrr courshe”
McDONALD: “Hararge ah-harrgle new emergenshy come up”
Dino stumbles over his lines and almost forgets them so much so that a joke about the Aberdeen Proving Grounds falls flatter than matzo bread. Anyway, the purpose of McDonald’s call is to let Helm know that he hasn’t the time to explain the problem but his secretary has all the details. And this was a long distance call as well. Well, when it comes to implementing government efficiency savings, we’ll start with McDonald.
But seeing that it’s been all of a minute and a half since Helm last flirted, groped or harrassed a beautiful woman, along comes a French fencing instructor in white fishnets and a large white heart on her chest to provide yet another...ahem...romantic interlude. Why she’s French, why she’s wearing neck to toe fishnets and why she needs to instruct Matt Helm in fencing right here and right now isn’t explained. The large heart I assume is to provide even a paralytic Matt Helm with a target he can aim at.
From there, we cut to the I.C.E. base beauty salon. Yes, this top secret high tech intelligence and military installation has it’s own beauty salon complete with its own gay stylist called Gil. The medics from earlier bring in Sheila because when dealing with a top test pilot with amnesia and paranoia the best thing to give them is a complete make-over! Because that’s what you girls all want eh? New shoes and a nice new hair do! Eh girls, am I right?
So while Federal-Funded Gil goes to work on Sheila, we get to meet Matt Helm’s secretary, Lovey Kravezit. You know, a name like that makes Ian Fleming’s Bond girls sound like paragons of feminism. She flirts with the ICE base guards with the result that the men go all slack jawed and have accidents with their coffee mugs: With troops like these defending the nation, I suspect that this could have been a contributing factor to America losing the Vietnam War.
OK, time to take another break. We'll be back after I've had my dinner.
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