..... taking the slightly lighter path just seemed to lend itself perfectly to Dean Martins charms.

Hey pallies, likes we have greatly grooved on bein' on a beautiful binge with our Dino as swingin' spyster Matt Helm coolly compliments of our primo pallie Dr. K. over at his homepad "DR. K'S 100 SUPER SPECTACULAR PAGES 100."  For likes over a Dino-week now we have totally totally thrilled in sharin' Dr. K's perfect patter as he richly reviewed all four of the Helmer 'long with a Dino-interlude as well.  Likes even though these swank scribin's are a decade old, they are as fantastically fresh and noteworthy new as ever...and we thanks Dr. K once 'gain for givin' us over to such delightful Dino-pleasure!

Likes we didn't wanna stops these hugest of huge Dino-high for anythin' pallies, so likes we put the name of our beloved Dino and Matt Helm into the google search engine and one of the Dino-treasures we lovin'ly located is some more powerful prose a la Helmer from the pen of a dude tagged Mr. Chris Nersinger (pictured 'bove) at his Linkedin pad.  Nersinger calls Port Orange, Florida home and is the CEO/Owner - ‎Reviews on the Edge."  Mr. Nersinger's Dino-as-Matt-Helm accented prose is tagged "It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it ... the world needs Matt Helm and I'm ready..."

As youse will note below, this awesome article was posted a little over a year 'go on April 2.  Chris begins with the potent premise..."Why doesn't Sony/Columbia make a Matt Helm flick and make it closer to the original books by Don Hamilton just a little bit of the hard edge with still keeping the humor that Dean Martin brought to the role.. he was brilliant and perfect with the sarcastic cracks and I'm available & the right age.... would you turn this role down? Not this guy.. you'd have to be nuts and I'm all in..."  Likes that was scribed  a number of months before the recent news that a revival of Matt Helm flicks is in the makin'.

But, besides Chris's primo proposal to become the new screen Matt Helm, he also lavishly lauds our Dino in his well written words...and includes 3 youtube vids  and a number of incredible images from the original Helmers.  Likes our Dino on the round bed with all the beauties and our Dino posin' in the center of same are true Dino-classical poses!  It's totally totally thrillin' to see 'nother of today's younger gen spreadin' such Dino-adulation in their sweet scribin's.

We swankly salute Mr. Chris Nersinger for his Dino-prose and trusts that many many more of today's youth will be deeply drawn into the Dino-fold.  To checks this out in it's original format, simply clicks on the tag of this Dino-report.

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters

 


It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it ... the world needs Matt Helm and I'm ready...

 Published on April 2, 2017

Chris Nersinger

Retro marketing concepts using current media platforms, company bios - Entertainment reviews and more..

Oh hi ya folks- just me Matt Helm ready for a little adventure and I have to apologize I didn't see you there at first ..you see I just got off the phone with Chris from Slay Girl magazine ..you know my editor and boy does he have an assignment for me .. .I'll be knee deep in sunshine, lush tropical settings and all the tan bodies in a bikini that one guy can stand ..and that ain't the half of it so just sit back and relax for now ...




Why doesn't Sony/Columbia make a Matt Helm flick and make it closer to the original books by Don Hamilton just a little bit of the hard edge with still keeping the humor that Dean Martin brought to the role.. he was brilliant and perfect with the sarcastic cracks and I'm available & the right age.... would you turn this role down? Not this guy.. you'd have to be nuts and I'm all in...

Going back to the the books which were darker and more in line with a Bond would work and Don's style of writing read like a movie leaving many of the titles very adaptable for the screen.Then taking from the 60's screen versions of Matt which brought a wider scale and obviously a lot more in terms of the bachelor type mentality along with the exotic lounge/jazz score from that era and along for the ride eye candy galore- between the Slaymates ans well as a bevy of actresses: Elke Summers, Janice Rule, Ann Margaret, Nancy Kwan and Sharon Tate included.This combo would make for a very successful franchise and serve to reignite the franchise.




Matt Helm- the books ..hard edged espionage with real grit where Matt's world as an ex-spy-assassin past life catches up to him leaving him divorced..his wife not being able to think of him the same way after she finds out what he use to do during the war,code name Eric and sanctioned to make what he used to call a touch or kill. Now turned photographer and brought out of retirement as a last resort..Death of a Citizen the first of the Matt Helm adventures first appeared in 1960 and 27 books later is still in circulation today. His job was to kill or "nullify" the enemy...just a far cry from the movies , but giving that the movie screens already had a British secret service agent saving the world from men like Dr No and Blofeld taking the slightly lighter path just seemed to lend itself perfectly to Dean Martins charms.




Talk about a rough job this was right in keeping with his TV series that was a huge hit at the time and what a way to promote a movie...this was shot for the Silencers and the beginning of the Slaymates




The film series would sprinkle in Deans songs in the background or even Sinatra as a running joke thru out the Helm films..always a welcome bit a wink to the audience and that was also a credit to Deans performance and he could make you laugh or smirk and still throw a great right or a chop to the neck...



Above: Dean posing with the Slaymates from The Wrecking Crew




Hey The Wrecking Crew for those who don't know featured fight scenes choreographed by Bruce Lee providing very realistic edge to the Helm character as well as the persona envisioned by the author and introduced the film world to Chuck Norris who worked on the stunts with Bruce and he also made his acting debut as well ...this film the last in the Dean Martin run at Matt Helm and actually performed as well the The Silencers the first of the series and for the series the best and one of my favorites especially with Nigel Greene(who past away in 1972) playing main villain. The series or franchise could have gone longer at least if sticking to this approach..maybe a little bit of retooling with the 60's coming to an end.




The Matt Helm films was Irving Allen's spin on the spy film explosion of the 60's and maybe to make up for passing on a deal to obtain the rights to Ian Flemings James Bond ..which at one time was partnered with Cubby Broccoli and what probably led to Broccoli desolving his partnership with Allen.

Below: Now that's a calendar-promo for the The Wrecking Crew



I'll leave you with this- the last film that was originally scheduled or mentioned to be filmed was listed at the end of The Wrecking Crew credits- Matt Helm will return in The Ravagers was to be Matt's next celluloid adventure ..but never materialized ..maybe that is where we should start...

For now this is Matt over -n-out and if you happen to get a call from some named Mac watch out because he'll probably want you trade the girls for guns and that's no fun..so I'll just be moseying along, I think I hear Miss Cravesit calling.. might be time for some liquid refreshment ..

https://twitter.com/docdrwho/status/848376862170632192 ..

The Wrecking Crew photoshoot 1968

Hey pallies, likes we have what we coolly consider to be a REMARKABLY RARE  Dino-treat for all youse Dino-holics today.  Likes as we were searchin' the awesome annuals of youtube (which is beau-ti-fully burstin' at the seams with unendin' sources of Dino-media vids) for replacement vids for our Dino-philic pallie Dr. K's extraordinary essay on the last of the Helmers, "The Wrecking Crew," we happened 'pon the virile vid below of a primo photoshoot of our most beloved Dino and two of his loveliest of lovely co-stars, Miss Elke Sommer and Miss Sharon Tate.

Likes it is totally totally thrillin' to view our Dino as swingin' spyster Matt Helm makin' the scene with these two beau-ti-ful babes, and youse can tell that our Dino is havin' a blast wooin' 'n cooin' with Miss Sommer and Miss Tate.  And, youse can also see just how much they are enjoyin' havin' our Dino puts his arms 'round 'em.  Likes it makes us wanna spend 24/7 simply searchin' for more and more Dino-delight over at youtube.....likes a true true treasure hunt of epic Dino-proportions!!!!!

We wanna sez our thank youse very much to the pallie who tags themselves "bramford7e" for puttin' this particular vid up for the Dino-viewin' pleasure of pallies all 'round the Dino-universe. Likes what will we find next...stay tuned to our humble little ilovedinomartin Dino-pad to see!!!!!

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters



Sharon Tate, Elke Sommer and Dean Martin during a photoshoot promoting "The Wrecking Crew".

.....and they're all loose, fun portraits of their era and perfect vehicles for Dean Martin.

Hey pallies,  likes today we wind up our swank series of  Matt Helm Dino-grams excellently emanatin' from the potent pad of our Dino-holic pallie Dr. K at "DR. K'S 100 SUPER SPECTACULAR PAGES 100."   Likes over the course of this last Dino-week this delightful dude Dr. K., the "Dr." reverently referrin' to his bein' "an English professor at a small university in South Carolina," has shared his incredible insights into our Dino as swingin' spyster Matt Helm in the quintessential quartet of '60s spy flicks.

Likes today we share Dr. K's remarkable review of the last of the Helmers, "The Wrecking Crew."  First of all we wanna say that we are profoundly pleased to have been able to find replacement vids for all the original vid clips that Prof K offered a decade 'go when his powerful posts were first posted.  These vids add so so much to Dr. K's sweet scribin's.

Dr. K evaluates WC as "probably my least favorite of the Matt Helm movies," and we can understand why he says this, 'though Helmer tres, "The Ambushers" is our least fav.  He does a coolly credible play by play of this Dino-epic and we once 'gain appreciate the noteworthy nuances that adds to the basic plot line.  We were thrilled that at the end of this final Dino-gram from Dr. K he gave a shout out to our humble little Dino-pad by sayin', "Check out dino martin peters's I Love Dino Martin blog, which features some great Dinopix in the monthly Dinocalender."  It's not a feature that we have done for a long time, and it is worthy of our Dino-consideration to do it 'gain.

Likes as we conclude this huge homage of our most beloved Dino by Dr. K, we shares our awesome appreciato for his deepest of deep devotion to our Dino, and once 'gain we apologize that it took us a decade to gets these most Dino-honorin' thoughts up here at ilovedinomartin.  To checks this out in it's original format, simply clicks on the tag of this Dino-report.

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2008

Matt Helm Week: The Wrecking Crew!

Despite some nice moments, The Wrecking Crew is probably my least favorite of the Matt Helm movies. It was directed by Phil Karlson, who also directed The Silencers, and its main problem is that repeats a lot of bits from the first movie. For example, Matt is introduced here through another dream sequence where he fantasizes about the models he's photographing.



However, here, the models are just standing around while he takes his nap. Huh?

There's also a line in one of the songs about "a cow that gives scotch." That's just too much.

The plot of The Wrecking Crew involves the theft of $1 billion in gold from a train guarded by ICE agents. Matt is brought in by the president himself to find the missing gold in 48 hours, before the markets get wind of the loss and a global financial collapse occurs. ICE is pretty certain that Count Contini (Nigel Green) is behind the theft, but they need to find the location of the gold, and Matt is sent to interrogate Contini's disgruntled ex-lover, Lola Medina (played by Gilligan's own Tina Louise).

Lola, however, is killed by an exploding scotch bottle while preparing Matt a drink, once again reinforcing the series' ambivalent attitude toward alcohol.

One of the film's major weaknesses is the presence of Sharon Tate as Helm's bumbling partner, Freya Carlson. Freya is primarily an extension of Stella Stevens's clutzy character in The Silencers, and Tate plays her with little enthusiasm. It is difficult to tell if Tate is a bad actress here, or if she is resisting playing the character as ditzy as the script demands. The script certainly isn't much help, as it requires her to vascillate inconsistently between competence and ineptitude. In the first movie, Stevens, at least, seems to be enjoying herself playing a similar role, and perhaps Tate would have been better off playing a more effective, competent partner like the characters that Ann-Margret and Janice Rule play in the previous two movies. By the end of the movie, it even seems like Dean is getting fed up with her.

Elke Sommer appears as the femme fatale and Nigel Green plays the villain, Count Contini, and next to Karl Malden, he's probably the best villain in the series. He performs the Count as a bored aristocrat who is completely confident in his plan, or "schedule" as he so frequently says with that particular British pronunciation. Both Sommer and Green appeared in similar roles in the 1967 Bulldog Drummond film, Deadlier than the Male, one of my favorite of the Bond knock-offs of the period.

Here's an early meeting between the Count and Matt Helm, which also leads to one of the film's first fights. The camera Matt uses is meant to blind anyone exposed to the smoke.



While The Wrecking Crew may be the worst Matt Helm movie, Dean Martin does kick somebody in the face, so it has that going for it. Also, one of the goons in this scene is played by Chuck Norris, and Bruce Lee is listed as the "Karate Advisor" for the film. All that should make this an awesome film, but it only ends up making it a curiosity.

Mack David and DeVol perform the film's theme song, "The House of 7 Joys," which wins the award for the most culturally uncomfortable theme song in the series, featuring a chorus that contains the line, "Ah so, ah so, welly nice!" Here is a lengthy scene that takes place in "The House of 7 Joys," and it's one of the more entertaining parts of the movie, with a nice pay-off at the end. You also get to see Nancy Kwan as the unfortunately named villain "Yu-Rang."




And finally, here's the fight scene between Sharon Tate and Nancy Kwan. The scene, unfortunately, does not live up to the potential that a girl fight between these two actresses, choreographed by Bruce Lee, should have.




It seems clear to me at the end of this scene that Dean Martin has become impatient with Sharon Tate, as he appears to be treating her a bit rough.

The ending of the movie promises the return of Matt Helm in The Ravagers, but the fifth movie was never made. I'm not sure why the series ended at this point, though it seemed to have run out of steam, and the whole spy craze was coming to an end as well. But, nonetheless, Dino cranked out four of these movies in three years, and they're all loose, fun portraits of their era and perfect vehicles for Dean Martin.

Thanks to everyone who showed up here for Matt Helm Week, especially dino martin peters and rogue spy 007, who provided fun, encouraging comments every day. Check out dino martin peters's I Love Dino Martin blog, which features some great Dinopix in the monthly Dinocalender.

I have some plans for covering other 60s spy movies here in the near future, so keep checking back!

Danny G's Sunday Serenade with Dino: "Mam'selle"

Ahhhhh...what a simply BEA U TI FUL mornin', mi amici.

Sunny sky & cool cool Spring breeze flowin' through my window.

Cants' get me 'nough quiet & peaceful moments like this, pals.

Life is usually pretty hectic...& these couple hours every now & then are EXACTLY what the doctor ordered!

We all need some "chill out" time.

Keeps us sane!
Haha!!

Now...no one knew this better than our numero uno paisano, Dino!

Whether he was smackin' 'round a few golf balls...enjoyin' some pasta I fagioli with a special friend...or just relaxin' at home watchin' a western...Dean knew how to chill! 

Well, ol' pallies o' mine...we is SO SO fortunato...that Dino has laid the blueprints for us, to do the same exact chillin'!
Yup!

Let me gives youse just one little example, pals.

I'm jumpin' back to Dean's "French Style" vinyl masterpiece...to grab us a wee bit o' "Mam'selle" , for today's O So Soothin' Serenade.

Now, mi amici...be warned...this tune is SO SO mellow...& SO SO smooth...youse may find yourself dazin' off into a dreamy state of TOTAL calmness, that won't be easy to shake!

Just tell your family & friends...dog & cat...fish & parakeet..."Don't worry, pallies...I'm just chillin' with Dino & I'll catch youse later".
Hahaha!!!

Yea, my friends...this is serious tranquility here.
Ha!

OK...let's do this.

Go grab a drink or a smoke...if that's your thin'.

Find a quiet space & settle in.

We is goin' on a little journey with Dean.

Youse may wanna put this one on repeat, pallies.

Ahhhhhh...soak it in, my friends.
Ciao. 

A small cafe mam'selle
A rendezvous mam'selle
The violins were warm and sweet and so were you mam'selle
And as the night danced by
Her kiss became a sigh
Your lovely eyes seemed to sparkle just like wine does
No heart ever yearned the way mine does
For you
And yet I know too well
Some day you'll say goodbye
Then violins will cry and so will I mam'selle

And as the night danced by
Her kiss became a sigh
Your lovely eyes seemed to sparkle just like wine does
No heart ever yearned the way mine does
For you
And yet I know too well
Some day you'll say goodbye
Then violins will cry and so will I mam'selle

Actually, I need to clarify that: the training involves making out with Matt Helm while listening to Dean Martin records!

Hey pallies, back for more delightful Dino-devotion from our Dino-holic of Dino-holic Dr. K at home pad,  "DR. K'S 100 SUPER SPECTACULAR PAGES 100."  Today Dr. K offers his intriguin' insights on Helmer numero tres, "The Ambushers."  While for many of us Dino-philes, this Dino-flick is the least of the quartet, but Dr. K shares many of the potent pleasures of even this least of the Helmers.

Likes Dr. K shares powerful play by play of how our most beloved Dino once 'gain "save the world!"
Our Dino-professor K shares the coolly clever plot twists with the virile vib that only someone of Dr. K's incredible intellect could do it.  Likes readin' Dr. K's wise words truly brings the Dino-action 'live for the reader and likes our Dino is smooth and stimulatin'!

We are so sorry that both of the vid clips that Dr. K originally shared a decade 'go are no longer up at youtube and we could not find appropriate replacements for 'em, so we have included the openin' sequence and a  trailer of said flick  to give youse Dino-devotees a wee bit of the Dino-action.  Stay tuned for Dr. K's last Helmer review, that of "The Wrecking Crew."  To checks this out in it's original source, likes simply clicks on the tag of this Dino-report.

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters

TUESDAY, APRIL 29, 2008

Matt Helm Week: The Ambushers!

The preview to The Ambushers states, "You'll actually see Dean Martin save the world!" The addition of the qualifying adverb "actually" in that sentence indicates that there may be some doubt here, that the event is unlikely or even absurd. However, if anyone was paying attention, we've actually seen Dean Martin save the world twice already. What's to doubt?



The opening credit sequence to The Ambushers features a theme song by Boyce and Hart which implies that women themselves are the true "ambushers." As the song states, women are "like Injuns in the grass ... Then buster, you're General Custer!" I'm really not sure what is worse here: the misogyny or the cultural insensitivity. And, amazingly enough, this is not the most culturally insensitive thing said in a Matt Helm theme song.



The plot of The Ambushers involves the theft of an experimental interplanetary flying saucer developed by the US government and flown by ICE agent Sheila Sommers (Janice Rule). As later explained in the movie by ICE boss MacDonald (James Gregory), the experimental craft operates on the principle of electromagnetism, and "the electromagnetic field has a strange effect on the male of the species--it kills them, dead!" I don't know what about having a penis makes one vulnerable to electromagnetic fields, but I'm not willing to take a chance, either. I think this is one of those circumstances where we just have to accept science without questioning it.

On its maiden voyage, however, the saucer is stolen by the villainous Leopold Caselius, using some kind of ray that shoots out sparkles. Again, I don't pretend to understand science, so I'm just going to accept this at face value.

As is the case with the other Matt Helm movies as well, the opening scenes feature some of the best parts of the movie. The film shifts from the flying saucer abduction to the ICE Rehabilitation Center, where we get to witness the awesomeness of Slaygirls training. The Slaygirls are currently being taught how to use a device that dissolves metal. Such a device would be extremely useful if one of the Slaygirls were faced with a firearm, or if she had to break into a locked door. However, the primary purpose of the device appears to be dissolving the buckle on someone's belt to cause the pants to fall down. And we just know we'll be seeing this device again later.

Another key element of Slaygirls training appears to involve making out with Matt Helm, which shouldn't come as any surprise. Actually, I need to clarify that: the training involves making out with Matt Helm while listening to Dean Martin records! (Interestingly enough, a similar technique was used at the Los Angeles police academy in the early 80s, where female cadets were required to make out with T. J. Hooker while listening to William Shatner's The Transformed Man.)

It turns out that the training isn't solely about making out with Matt Helm; instead, this particular Slaygirl is being trained on the use of a bra gun, which prematurely goes off during the session. To this near-death experience, Helm responds, "When you say you're a 38, you ain't kiddin'!" And then, so as to wring out all the comic potential from this scene, he adds, "An agent should always keep abreast of the times." He does not, however, refer to the bra gun as a "booby trap," as that joke was used to describe Tina's bra holster in The Silencers. The Matt Helm movies are just too classy to repeat the same breast joke.

When Helm leaves that particular training session, he walks out to the quad to find another Slaygirl offering him a ride on her scooter. She warns him, "I go pretty fast--better find something to hang on to!" To which Matt responds by looking at the camera and saying, simply, "Crazy." Clearly, no punchline is necessary, as we all know exactly what he will be hanging on to.

Matt then goes to get a massage from another of the Slaygirls, and during this treatment his assistant, Lovey Kravezit, arrives. Lovey and Matt decide to move their "debriefing" into the steambath. (The subsequent steambath scene, by the way, does a good job of helping me recover from my still-troubling Eastern Promises trauma.) As Matt makes the moves on Lovey by beginning to unclasp her bra, MacDonald's voice suddenly appears. MacDonald has pulled the ultimate spy cockblock by hiding Helm's orders in Lovey's bra clasp. As with the orders hidden in the booze during Murderers' Row, Mac explains that he used this particular medium because he knew this would be the best way to get the orders to Matt.

ICE has connected the theft of the flying saucer with the Dos Equis beer factory in Mexico. The evidence includes a song used in a Dos Equis TV ad that also appears on an album of military marches called "Songs Men Have Died For," which I believe was originally available through K-Tel. I'm not sure how this all fits together, but the beer commercial features women in bikinis, and that's all that is really important in this film.

Matt is then ordered to pose as Sheila Sommers's husband and travel to Mexico under his photographer cover to investigate the Dos Equis beer factory. Really--setting a Matt Helm movie in a beer factory is nothing short of brilliant!

In fact, during a gunfight later in the film, Matt falls into a vat of beer, and he considers the option of drinking himself to safety. And as gun shots miss their targets and hit various tanks and pipes, Matt often gets distracted from the fight by putting his mouth to the spilling beer.

A common occurrence in Matt Helm movies: Matt gets drugged by the female villain (in this case, Francesca, played by Senta Berger, who also starred as the femme fatale in another great 60s spy film, The Quiller Memorandum). Here, it's lipstick instead of booze, but the effect is the same:


Matt Helm also gets some amazing gadgets in this film, including cigarettes filled with laughing gas (which get him out of a firing squad late in the movie), a belt that turns into a sword when it gets wet (!?!?), and a trick camera. One of the better Matt Helm gadgets also appears here: the inflatable spy pad.

I love that this inflatable camouflage tent includes a refrigerator.

The villain, Leopold Caselius (played by Albert Salmi), is not as interesting as Karl Malden's Julian Wall. His plan is to sell the saucer to the highest bidder, and the bidders include the BIG O (represented by Francesca), the Chinese, and an unnamed Middle Eastern nation. The Chinese make the highest bid, leading Caselius to declare, "The first man on the moon will be eating chow mein!"

We also find out here that BIG O stands for "Bureau of International Government and Order," which has to be the least threatening acronym for a global criminal cartel. I have no problems with any part of that name.

Since neither side got the saucer, Francesca actually helps Matt and Sheila defeat Caselius, who is killed when he is trapped inside of the saucer and its man-killing electromagnetic field.

The film ends with Matt Helm engaging in some more "training" for ICE's Slaygirls. Matt explains to his trainee that she may be put into a position where she has to "give herself to the enemy," and he shows her the right way to put herself in the mood for such a duty. He starts, of course, with some Dean Martin music, but this does not seem to help her. He then switches to Frank, and she's ready to go. That is some good stuff right there.

Next: Matt Helm returns in his final big screen adventure, The Wrecking Crew!

Therefore, we must conclude that, as often as his alcoholism gets him into trouble, it also saves him.

Hey pallies, welcome back for Dr. K's second incredible installment of the awesome action in "Murders Row."  If youse are just checkin' in on the Dino-action here at ilovedinomartin, Dr. K is the swingin' scriber of primo prose at his hangout,  "DR. K'S 100 SUPER SPECTACULAR PAGES 100."   Likes a decade 'go Dr K hosted "Matt Helm Week" at his bodacious blog, and likes better late then never we are finally sharin' his energetic efforts coolly celebratin' our most beloved Dino as swingin' spyster Matt Hem.

Today we join Prof K as he shared his second huge helpin' of remarkably randy reflections on youse fav, our fav, and Dr. K's fav of the Helmer quartet, "Murders' Row."  Mucho of this particular prose is dedicated to Miss Ann-Margret, our Dino's lovely love interest as well as the hovercraft escapades and groovy gadgets that our Dino uses...'though Dr. K thinks 'em "typically useless."

Dr. K shared a trio of very very virile vid clips, two of which are no longer available, but we have added one and substituted 'nother.  Tomorrow Dr. K will share his incredible insights into Helmer numero tres, "The Wrecking Crew," so stay tuned for mucho more delightful Dino-action from the Prof.  To checks this out in it's original source, likes simply clicks on the tag of this here Dino-gram.

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters

MONDAY, APRIL 28, 2008

Matt Helm Week: Murderers' Row Part 2!

One of the main reasons why Murderers' Row stands above the other three Matt Helm movies is the presence of Ann-Margret. She is clearly the best actress of all the Helm girls (though Janice Rule in The Ambushers is more talented than the role deserves), and she seems to be having the most fun. Her character is also not written as a total airhead who serves as more of a hindrance than a help to Matt Helm, as happens with Stella Stevens in the previous movie and Sharon Tate in the final one.

Here is one of her early scenes which helps to establish her character and shows her wearing an awesome blue feathery night dress.



Another element that makes Murderers' Row the best of the series is its liberal use of hovercrafts, climaxing in an exciting hovercraft chase. The combination of awesome elements--Ann-Margret and hovercrafts--however, reaches its peak in a truly amazing action scene that is the highlight of the series and one of the high points in my entire movie-viewing career.

In a twist that would later be adopted for the movie Speed, the BIG O tries to eliminate Ann-Margret with a bomb that explodes when it reaches a particular speed. Here, however, the bomb is planted in a broach, and it's meant to reach its top speed while she is dancing. The faster she gyrates, ... well, you understand. Her dancing is incredibly frenetic and particularly exhausting to this particular viewer.

Helm, meanwhile, drives a hovercraft through the streets of Monte Carlo in order to reach the discotheque in time to save her. He then rushes into the club and, demonstrating the quick thinking that is characteristic of the super agent, rips the dress off of Ann-Margret and throws it at the wall. (This is also a common trope in the Matt Helm movies, where he is frequently forced to tear off a woman's dress.) The scene ends with a perfect coda: Helm throws the exploding dress at a projected image of Frank Sinatra on the wall, and Matt issues an apology to the Chairman: "Sorry, Frank."



Consistent with the previous film, the gadgets here are typically useless. Helm's car has a scrolling marquee on the back that sends voice-operated messages to anyone following him. And like the backwards-firing gun of the previous film, Helm gets a gun that shoots 10 seconds after the trigger is pulled. What usually happens here: Helm pulls the trigger, nothing happens, and the villain picks up the gun and looks at it, only to get the bullet himself.

Also, the villainous Coco Duquette (Camilla Sparv) has a freeze gun, which first seems only useful for chilling drinks--an essential task in these films--but later Helm uses it as a weapon to freeze BIG O thugs. This is a highly inefficient weapon, as it takes at least 10 seconds to freeze someone.

At one point in the movie, Coco reveals what is clearly Matt Helm's kryptonite: he is easily susceptible to drugged drinks, and this proves to be his weakness in other movies (also of note in the series: drugged lipstick, bombs hidden in bottles of booze). As noted in the last post, drinking is also Helm's "identifying characteristic," and he intentionally gives away his identity by grabbing a drink and kissing Coco.

When finally captured by the villainous Julian Wall (Karl Malden), Helm tries to send his boss, MacDonald, a secret message about an enemy agent that has infiltrated ICE. In order to tip off MacDonald that something is wrong, Helm mentions that he is enjoying a nice glass of bourbon. MacDonald immediately catches the tip, as he knows Helm never drinks bourbon. Therefore, we must conclude that, as often as his alcoholism gets him into trouble, it also saves him.

The concluding hovercraft chase is as exciting as one can imagine, and it must have caused a significant increase in the film's budget over the previous entry. In the end, Matt Helm and Ann-Margret are rescued from their out-of-control hovercraft by MacDonald in a helicopter, and Ann-Margret must, of course, cling to Helm's pants as they are pulled to safety, revealing Helm's cute heart boxers.

Here, for comparative purposes, are the two endings of Murderers' Row and The Silencers, respectively.


(this is one of the trailers for Murders Row, which at the end shows a bit of the endin' of this Dino-classic)





As we can see in each case, Matt Helm and his lady both end up wet, so to speak. The ending of Murderers' Row, however, is enhanced by the presence of the Slaygirls, who must spend their time hanging out in Matt Helm's pad waiting for him to come home. It should also be noted that they are still wearing their calender costumes.

And as the finale of Murderers' Row promises, Matt Helm (and Dr. K) will return in The Ambushers!

The problem I have with writing about Murderers' Row is that the movie is wall-to-wall awesome.....

Hey pallies, likes Dino-philes we're back with more deepest of deep Dino-devotion a la Matt Helm with our wonderfully wise Dr.  K of "DR. K'S 100 SUPER SPECTACULAR PAGES 100" fabulous fame.  Likes today Prof. K shares the first part of his tremendously terrific take on Helmer numero duo, your fav, our fav, and indeed Dr. K's fav, none other then "Murders' Row.  Dr. K begins his review by sharin' one of the tantalizin' trailers from MR and speakin' such Dino-truth 'bout previews for each of the Helmers..."Plus, in every preview, Dean's holding a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another, inviting the viewer to come see his new movie. The effect of these previews, therefore, is to blur the line further between Dean Martin and Matt Helm."

Likes, likes Dr. K is no ordinary reviewer of these Dino-epics as he has hugely hit on what makes the quartet of Matt Helm hipster spyster flicks so marvelously magical....we gets to spend near two hours each time with our Dino playin' his completely cool, hipper then hip, randiest of randy Dino-self and Dino-holics likes ourselves keeps drinkin' deeply at the Dino-well to swankly slake our Dino-thrist!

We also absolutely awesomely agree with Dr. K when he solemnly states, "The problem I have with writing about Murderers' Row is that the movie is wall-to-wall awesome, and the only way to do it justice would be to liveblog the whole movie. Barring that, I want to hit on some of the many elements that make this movie great."  In fact, knowin' that at least of the time of K's scribin' of these Dino-epistles he was an English  professor at a college, we woulda loves! loves! loves! to sit at his feet for a swingin' semester long course in the Helmers...of course, 'specially MR.

Likes Dr. K does a ravin' review of our Dino in this part 1 of his two part coolest of cool celebration of our most beloved Dino in "Murders' Row."  Stay tuned tomorrow for part duo awesomely accentin' the lovely of lovelies, Miss Ann-Margret.  We once 'gain raise the praise on Dr. K's powerfully potent prose on Helmer duo and express our amazin' appreciato for his wonderfully wise words of Dino-adulation!  To checks this out in it's original source, likes simply clicks on the tag of this Dino-gram.

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters

THURSDAY, APRIL 24, 2008

Matt Helm Week: Murderers' Row, Part 1!

It's been a couple of days, but I'm back, baby, and ready for more Matt Helm action!

Here's a trailer for Murderers' Row, which, as I said before, is my favorite of the 4 Matt Helm movies. This trailer is not included in the Matt Helm Lounge DVD set, but it is representative of the trailers used in this series.



First, in all the trailers, it's apparent that Dean did it in one take, though he clearly didn't quite nail it out of the gate here. Plus, in every preview, Dean's holding a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another, inviting the viewer to come see his new movie. The effect of these previews, therefore, is to blur the line further between Dean Martin and Matt Helm.

The problem I have with writing about Murderers' Row is that the movie is wall-to-wall awesome, and the only way to do it justice would be to liveblog the whole movie. Barring that, I want to hit on some of the many elements that make this movie great.

I would argue that the best part of every Matt Helm movie is the first half-hour or so. During this point in the movie, Matt usually has to make the (reluctant) transition from his photographer day job to the mission. We also get the details of the villain's plot: here, the BIG O, led by Julian Wall (played by an over-the-top Karl Malden) has developed a solar weapon called a Super Helio Beam, which we see destroy a model of Washington, DC.

Wall's plan also involves the assassination of all the top ICE agents around the world (The Japanese agent, code-named "Tempura," is killed by a sponge-bomb while receiving a bath. This scene demonstrates a level of cultural sensitivity that will reach its peak in the final movie, The Wrecking Crew.). As each agent is eliminated, his picture is thrown into a fireplace. Matt Helm's picture, however, only reveals the back of the agent's head, as he is making out with a woman while holding a drink in one hand. The drink is circled and labeled as an "identifying characteristic."

Meanwhile, Helm is engaged in a photo shoot for a new calender, one which features a different state as representative of each month. When we see him, Helm is currently shooting Minnesota in January, and the model wears a fur bikini. Matt positions the model and tells her, "I want to catch you right near ... Duluth." Now, my summary can't really do this line justice, but, suffice it to say, Dean says "Duluth" as if it were the dirtiest word in the English language. Really, the Duluth Tourism Bureau needs to use that line in all their promotions.

Without taking a break, Dean then hits us with another great line when he moves the model again because "we don't want to hide the Twin Cities." I think we all know what cities he's talking about.

I wonder, though, if the writers couldn't have just kept going with this gag. I'm sure, with Dean's delivery, he could have done wonders with Bemidji or Mankato. Or how about, "Move to your left--I want to see Moorhead"? Now, that was a missed opportunity.

This scene also provides the return of Matt Helm's secretary, Miss Lovey Kravezit, who displays the unique talent of being able to take dictation while making out with her boss.

Matt's work, however, proves to be exhausting, and he decides to take a nap while Miss July gets herself ready for her shoot. Matt finds that his rest is hampered by the presence of Miss January in his bed. It turns out that January is the BIG O's assassin sent to kill Matt Helm. The technique she employs is rather elaborate: she activates Helm's automatic bed, which is to send the agent into his Olympic-sized bath tub, where the Helio Beam is shooting down through the skylight. Matt prevents her from escaping, however, and they both slide into the death trap.

Matt Helm is presumed dead, and ICE arranges for his funeral, complete with the Slaygirls all dressed in identical black trenchcoats and hats.

As we can all guess, Matt is not dead, but his death is faked to aid his cover for his mission to stop BIG O's plan for the Helio Beam and rescue the weapon's creator, Doctor Norman Solaris (and with a name like that, you are either destined to make solar weapons or really long, slow-paced Soviet sci-fi movies). Helm's boss, Mac (James Gregory) gives him the mission, and a new cover: "James A. Peters." The intelligence films Matt watches whenever he receives his missions are often not much more than borderline softcore porn, and this one features mainly girls in bikinis on the French Riviera.

Matt arrives in France with his new spy car, and like the one in The Silencers, this is also equipped with booze. However, when Matt opens the bottle to take a swig (while driving, naturally), he instead hears Mac's voice, which explains that this was the best way to ensure that Helm received his orders. Matt laments the waste of "a perfectly good bottle of booze" and then promises, "I'll show you--I'll join the AA!" At least he can admit that he has a problem. But then, he reaches into his inside coat pocket, pulls out a flask, takes a swig, and continues driving.

In one of the movie's more elaborate gags, Matt's investigation takes him to a local discotheque, where the band Dino, Desi, and Billy is playing. This pop band consisted of Dean Paul "Dino" Martin, Desi Arnaz, Jr., and Billy Hinsche (my mom always insisted that "Billy" was the son of Sammy Davis, Jr., and while that would have given the band a nice symmetry, it is not the case.)

Helm awkwardly tries to infiltrate this youth scene by dancing along with the band. Dino looks down at Helm and say, "Now you're swinging, dad," to which Matt makes a response about kids' slang these days. Matt's dancing partner, Suzie (Ann-Margret), then comments, "It's a wise son who knows his own father," and Helm returns with, "The way their wearing their hair nowadays, it's a wise father who knows his own son." This is yet another meta-joke to blur the line between Matt Helm and Dean Martin.

Murderers' Row is clearly too awesome for one post, and I haven't even gotten to Ann-Margret yet, so I'm going to save her for her own separate post tomorrow.

Meanwhile, here's an RC Cola ad featuring Dino, Desi, and Billy from around the same time as this movie:



I also want to link to a helpful article from Cinema Retro that discusses the Matt Helm movies in relation to the Donald Hamilton novels. The article also features some nice images. The novels are, of course, much more serious than the movies, and fans of the books were angered by the films' parodic tone.

The feeling always was with this show that Dean was having a party, and you were invited

Hey pallies, we're beau-ti-fully back for 'nother helpin' of delightful Dino-wisdom from the potent pen of Dr.  Andrew J Kunka's bodacious blog, " DR. K'S 100 SUPER SPECTACULAR PAGES 100."   Likes a mentioned yester-Dino-day, our deeply devoted Dino-phile Prof. K's  has chosen to take a "Matt Helm Week: Interlude" before perfectly pontificatin' on Helmer duo, "Murders' Row.

Dr. K's awesome adulation of our Dino begins with the incredible image of our Dino on the cover of his awesome al-b-um, "Pretty Baby," with a beau-ti-ful blonde babe attractin' the attentionado of our dreamy Dino.  Prof K's  cool comment bein' "First off, I just want to point out that I want to live in this world."  And likes pallies, don't we all crave to be welcomed into our Dino's wonderful world?!?!?!?!

Likes in addition, Dr. K's swankly shares a couple of classic comedic clips from the Dino-show, as he sez, "to give readers who never got to experience it an understanding of just how the show operated."  While the original youtube clips that Prof K shared were no longer on youtube....we were totally totally thrilled to find 'em on the 'tube once 'gain...makin' us wanna shout out our tremendous thanks to all the pallies who keep sharin' more and more Dino-vids for all our Dino-viewin' pleasure.

We thanks our Dino-addicted pallie Dr. K for this sweetest of sweet treat of a Dino-interlude while we awesomely anticipate sharin' his randiest of randy ravin' review of "Murders' Row on the 'morrow.
To checks this out in it's original source, likes simply clicks on the tag of this Dino-report.

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters

TUESDAY, APRIL 22, 2008

Matt Helm Week: Interlude

First off, I just want to point out that I want to live in this world:

(Cover taken from Will Pfeifer's blog, who got it from If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger.)

I thought today that I'd include clips from Dean Martin's variety show to give readers who never got to experience it an understanding of just how the show operated. Here's a bit with Dino and John Wayne, who had just co-starred together in The Sons of Katie Elder:



Now, this bit was clearly not rehearsed at all. Dean responds to the jokes as if he's seeing them for the first time. Would it have been smoother if it were rehearsed? Yes. Would it have been better? Probably not. A big part of Dino's charm was his ability to laugh his way through the rough spots.

One of the highlights of this show was the way in which Dino and his guests would just crack each other up during sketches, which probably couldn't have happened if they had seen the scripts beforehand. Here's a wild sketch, with Jimmy Stewart, Dino, and Orson Welles at a Men's Hair Salon (Holy Crap!):



The joke about "Tab and Rock showing up" to a party "in identical blazers" is interesting, to say the least.

The feeling always was with this show that Dean was having a party, and you were invited. That's also the feeling I get from the Matt Helm movies as well, and that's what makes them so enjoyable.

.....Matt Helm exists in a world where there is also a Dean Martin, and that is a world that is too awesome to contemplate without causing an innercranial explosion.

Hey pallies, likes we're back with Dino-day uno of our Professor pallie  Dr. K's supreme series of Dino-grams on the quartet of Matt Helm flicks from Dr. K's  beau-ti-ful blog, "DR. K'S 100 SUPER SPECTACULAR PAGES 100."  Likes before Dr. K's randy review of "The Silencers" begins, he makes it perfectly clear how mucho he greatly grooves on our Dino's work ethic, swankly sayin' 'mong other awesome adulation that "No one has had more influence on my own work ethic and pedagogy as Dino has had."  Delves into all of his Dino-praise below dudes!

Likes as Dr. K's powerfully potent praisin' of  our Dino in his first effort as swingin' spyster Matt Helm is obviously written for someone who digs our most beloved Dino to likes the marvelous max, to the primo point that Andrew states 'bout one of the opennin' scenes that..."There is, in fact, too much awesomeness to comment on in this scene."

We absolutely apologize that both of the virile vids that Dr. K's has chosen are no longer on youtube, but we hope that those that we have found to replace 'em with will gives youse at least a Dino-hint of what Dr. K has so so delightfully described.  Likes, we shouts out our deepest of deep Dino-appreciato to Dr. K for his potent praise of our swingin' Dino at Matt Helm in "The Silencers" and we invites you to stay tuned tomorrow when  Dr. K  share a Dino-interlude before he moves on to what he coolly calls "The best of the Matt Helm movies--Murderers' Row." To checks out this current post at Dr. K's pad, simply clicks on the tag of this Dino-gram'

We Remain,

Yours in Dino,

Dino Martin Peters

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2008

Matt Helm Week Day 1: The Silencers!

Before I get started on The Silencers, I just want to clear up one thing about yesterday's post: I am by no means critical of Dean Martin's work ethic. In fact, I aspire to it. No one has had more influence on my own work ethic and pedagogy as Dino has had. I look forward to the day that I can walk into a classroom, randomly open up a literature book, and begin talking cold about a poem that I've never laid eyes on before. WWDD?

The Silencers opens, after the fantastic credit sequence I posted yesterday, with a scene we find common to later Matt Helm movies: Helm must be stirred from his playboy lifestyle and his fashion photographer cover to once again enter the espionage game for his government employers, ICE (Intelligence and Counter-Espionage).

In this case, he must be woken from the verge of a nocturnal emission (or in Matt Helm's case, more like an afternoonal emission):


(not the original vid, but the closest we coulda comes)

 Although this is a (wet) dream, at other points in the movie, when Matt is contemplating his mission, we hear Dean singing standards, but with new lyrics pertaining to the film's plot. Therefore, we are to assume that Matt Helm's interior monologue consists entirely of songs, which makes perfect sense.

In this scene, we also get to see that Matt Helm has the least efficient high-tech spy pad ever created. The rotating, motorized, pneumatic bed is one thing, but he also uses large, pulsing velour rods to dry off from the unnecessarily large bubble bath.

We are also introduced here to Helm's secretary, Lovey Kravezit--an employee for whom Matt just learns her first name despite the fact that she apparently does most of her work naked in his bubble bath.

There is, in fact, too much awesomeness to comment on in this scene.

The plot of this movie is relatively inconsequential. Helm's constant nemeses, The BIG O--led here by Victor "King Tut" Buono as "Tung-Tse"--plan something called "Operation Fallout" to disrupt some underground nuclear test in the Southwest by redirecting an American missle and blah blah blah.

Helm is reluctantly drawn back into the game when BIG O sends a female assassin after him. Helm returns to his pad to find a trail of women's clothes leading to his bedroom. Apparently, this is a common enough occurence for Helm that he is nonplussed by it. Helm assumes she comes from ICE as a means to entice him into the mission, and he explains that he has already taken a photography assignment to Acupulco.

"What's in Acupulco that you can't find here?" she asks, as she wraps herself around him.

"Mexicans," Helm responds, in a joke that is even funnier today (to Republicans).

In addition to having the least efficient spy pad, Matt Helm also gets the most useless gadgets. In The Silencers, his gadgets include a gun that shoots backwards so that it kills the person pulling the trigger and a sportcoat with giant buttons that function as grenades when they are pulled off. Both of these are rife with the potential to do more harm to the user than good.

And neither are as crazy or as awesome as the belt that turns into a sword when it gets wet, which we will see in a later movie.

In the course of the movie, Helm picks up Stella Stevens, who is a witness to the BIG O's plot and a potential double agent. In this scene, Helm tries to interrogate her while they drive to the site of BIG O's project, and we get to see just how much Helm's station wagon beats the shit out of any car James Bond has ever driven:




(not the original vid, but the closest that we coulda comes)
In this scene, we get two common tropes that reappear in later Matt Helm movies. First, the drinking and driving, which occurs with a frequency that is both alarming and entertaining. Second, the postmodern, metatextual gag where Matt Helm disses Frank Sinatra in favor of Dean Martin. We are to assume from these gags that Matt Helm exists in a world where there is also a Dean Martin, and that is a world that is too awesome to contemplate without causing an innercranial explosion.

Also, Stella Stevens is pretty hot here, though her character, Gail Hendricks, gets treated terribly throughout the movie, in ways that might, honestly, make some modern viewers uncomfortable. As everyone should know, Stevens also starred with Dino's former partner, Jerry Lewis, in the classic The Nutty Professor. According to Stevens, her appearance in The Silencers just a few years after costarring in The Nutty Professor led to Jerry shutting her out for over twenty years.

Next: The best of the Matt Helm movies--Murderers' Row.