Likes today we are proudly pleased to share some of the deepest of deep devotion to our most beloved Dino that we have ever had the potent privilege of sharin'. This delightful Dino-adulation first appeared in print/'net form in the summer of 1994...likes almost 24 years ago and we are so so sorry for it to have taken us so long in gettin' up here at our humble little Dino-pad, but we are purely psyched to be able to share it this very Dino-day, and likes 'specially so as it is very very Dino-fittin' to share it with all youse Dino-philes durin' our cool cool celebration of Dino-amore month.
Today's Dino-delight was scribed by Mr. Jeff Koyen, award winnin' American journalist, editor, and entrepreneur. From 1964 'til 2000, Koyen was editor of the zine "Crank" and today's Dino-devotion was part of Crank#2 that appeared in the Summer 1994. We found it at Koyen's pad "ACQUIESCE TO PRESSURE," which is the on-line sharin' of Jeff's powerful prose from the annals of his "Crank Magazine." Koyen's deeper then deep delight in our Dino is chronicled in his perfect prose tagged "Born Too Late to be Truly Swank."
Koyen tags our most beloved Dino as "THE MAN" statin' "The Man charged with keeping the Swank Man a mass appeal,"..... and likes we couldn't 'gree more with him, Perhaps we oughta gives a word of warnin' that Jeff uses "colorful language"....the sort of worldly words that also came outta the mouth of our main man. Likes, the main body of Jeff's jottin's is the liner notes scribed by Mr. Stan Cornyn for the awesome al-b-um "Happiness Is Dean Martin," which we have shared before here at ilovedinomartin...referencin' it as "Epic Sloth."
Likes we are swankly smitten to be able to share Mr. Jeff Koyen's wise words of amazin' adulation of our Dino even though written 24 years 'go. Ain't it amazin' pallies how many pallies in so so many mighty ways have openly and affirmatively offered their devotion to our Dino via the ol' world wide web?!?!?!?! We sweetly salute Koyen and sez thank you very much for your remarkably refreshin' way of hugely homagin' our one and only Dino. To checks this out in it's original source, simply clicks on the tag of this here Dino-gram.
Yours in Dino,
Dino Martin Peters
Born Too Late to be Truly Swank
Readers of CRANK #1 already know how much I yearn to have lived in 1961, rather than 1994. Why? Shit, the Swank Man ruled the fucking world, baby. "Get me a drink, hon'." "When's supper ready, darlin'?" "Mix me 1 last highball--I've got to get back to the office." What livin'!
It pains me to have such envy weigh on me. (And sorry, gals, it wasn't exactly a liberated paradise. Tough darts.) But it sure looks like it was a swell time to have been young and devilishly handsome. I happen to be both, in case you didn't know.
Fuck Sinatra. Give me Dean Martin, toots. He was THE MAN. The Man charged with keeping the Swank Man a mass appeal. And this album drives it home in a big motherfucking way. Sure, many of the pop culture references are woefully dated, and the racist comments will offend some of you, but FUCK, man, that's why they call it "dated." Take your lumps, kids. I have marked the places [?] where I'm admittedly lost. You may catch stuff I didn't. Call me ignorant. Also note where the author was out of his mind [!] when writing.
Suck it up!
From the notes on "Happiness is Dean Martin," Reprise Records, 1962. Back cover:
Happiness is Dean Martin Singing "Lay Some Happiness on Me" And Other Selected Hoop-Las
Aesthetically, he ends up somewheres between '39's Mickey Mouse Watch and Lichtenstein's neo-heroic painting, "Take That...Pow!"
A little camp, perhaps, but too much of our current action really to rate that high on the Camp Charts. Put him more in the Hula Hoop-Silver Mini-Skirt-"Chelsea Girls"- William Manchester bag [?]. That is to say, awfully celebrated right now, not to mention being hellishly good examples at what they're driving at.
Nothing, for example, is more hula-hoop than a Pink Plastic 1960 Hula Hoop. Nothing is more Dean Martin than Dean Martin.
Of course, doing a really preposterously good job of being Dean Martin depends a lot on knowing the rules about what makes the best Dean Martin. Knowing the archetypal definition of Martinism: How is he different? Why is he individual? What is he driving at?
What Dean Martin is driving at seems to be to lead a Life Of Sloth. A Life of EPIC Sloth. Not just your common little ol' Sunday afternoon lazy Sloth, like you get with minor Erskine Caldwell Georgia darlins. [?]
No, Martin now epitomizes EPIC SLOTH. Sloth like Joseph E. Levine would come up with. In big, 3-D letters, like in those Ben Hur movie ads, with all forms of EPIC EXHAUSTION draped over the letters. "Epic Sloth," starring Dean Martin, and then running around the bottom, instead of Mongol hordes and Jack Palance you find other things, for this is "Epic Sloth." Things like deflated innertubes. Like the ears of sleeping Spaniels. Like Kleenex ashes. [?] Like all of Life's Most Unresilient Stuff.
And there, leaned up in Herculean-Scope against those giant letters, our Pop Star slumps. Dean Martin. Kind of half-eyed looking out at you, grinning "Hi ya, pally," like he hopes you haven't got anything heavy on your mind.
Dean Martin has been working at becoming an Epic Pop Art Object. He's been getting in a good deal of pop art hypnotizing. Avis knows, you don't get to be Number One by just sitting round. Some detractors have published this about Martin: that he sits round, trying to make spaghetti look tense. [!] "Pish tosh," we say, and "Yellow journalism."
You have to publicize to get to be Our National Epic Sloth. Martin has. His medium: the most popular art object of Our Times, meaning...your television set. (Breathes there a soul with fingers so dull he can't find his Vertical Knob blindfolded?) [Note similarity to remote control in 1994.-Ed.]
The mind-boggling task which DM has accomplished in his upwards surge to Number One Epic Sloth in [sic] this: he has put other would-be number one lazy slobs into limbo. "Amos 'N Andy's" Lightnin, for instance, now is largely forgot. Shiftless and No-Account has moved to Beverly Hills, where dey got no deltas, chile. [!!!-Whooee!-Ed.] The other competition--those slothy Southern belles once played by Lee Remick and Joanne Woodward--are now minor league stuff.
Martin (few people have known this until this very minute; it has been a closely kept secret) was actually only Number Two until quite recently. The spot of Number One Epic Sloth was recently held by another performer. Not a human being, but a small dog. His name: Red Dust. He is (or was, for he has largely disappeared from our scene) part of a Vaudeville turn.
His master would bark out commands: "Red Dust, Roll Over! Up, Red Dust!" But Red Dust was an utterly and irrevocably sag-boned hound. Red Dust never voluntarily moved anything, least of all a paw. The pooch looked permanently pickled. It was pretty funny stuff.
Dean Martin finally won out over Red Dust. Much of his triumph has been ascribed by some scribes to his ability to project an alcoholic aura from coast-to-coast, into millions of Puritan homes. Good, Puritan, beer-drinking homes. Martin has almost by himself established Booze-o-Vision as America's new Art Populaire. It's difficult to imagine any other object that would currently be more welcome in our historic nation's thousands of beer bars and juke joints. Nothing more popular than DM, slumped there, looking for his cue card, all brung [sic] to you in NBC's surrealist color. Martin and his--dare we say it?-- goopy baritone. [??]
Martin: the biggest sex symbol to hit neighborhood taverns since the heyday of The Rheingold Girl, may she in our secret imaginations requiescat in flagrante delicto.
Nothing should slow up his reign as our belov- ed epic boozer short of a sudden attack of dysphagia. --Stan Cornyn